Previously on Nurse Jackie:
Eddie and your husband become friends...
...and the Titanic is sinking and only one of them gets to survive.
Which one?
You need love in your life, lady.
I believe your daughter Grace is experiencing...
...signs of generalized anxiety disorder.
I'm thinking maybe private school.
That might be extreme.
I see your sins. For I am God.
Yeah, run. Run, you whore.
Go and hide from the eyes of the Almighty.
It's 9:15 a.m.
God's off his meds again.
Careful or he'll unleash a swarm of locusts...
...which means it's time to start smoking again.
No, I got kids.
One excuse after another.
We're putting Grace in private school. Immaculate Virgin.
Immaculate Virgin? That's a bit redundant, don't you think?
What was I gonna do?
Dirty Virgin?
That's not funny.
It's 4 grand if we join the parish, 7 if we don't.
It's embarrassing to say this...
...but I'm bulletproof even in this economy.
All right. Then don't.
Just let me get the words out...
...then you can let loose with all the proper "no, thanks," okay?
If you like, I'll pay for the girls' schools.
Thank you. That's really very kind of you, but no, thanks.
And even if I said yes, Kevin would say no, but thanks, really.
Stay away from that food cart.
Hummus is the work of the devil.
What's up with your shoes?
Oh, gee, look at that.
Is everything all right?
What, because my shoes don't match? Please.
But cheers for asking.
Wait for the light.
Hey. Hey, you.
I am God.
And you are an asshole.
Go in peace, you pieces of shit.
Blue team, Trauma Room stat.
Is there cake?
Multiple stab wounds to the chest...
...in and out of consciousness, difficulty breathing.
I can imagine.
He was stabilized, but his BP just dropped.
- How old? - Thirty-three, I think.
All right, ready?
- One, two, three. - Here we go.
- So, what happened? - We both work in IT.
He took me out for breakfast. It was going so good.
- So you stabbed him? - No.
No, my ex-husband did.
He followed us into a diner. I had a restraining order.
My cousin had one of those. They don't always work.
Why don't you wait outside?
We'll come and get you when we know more, okay?
How much?
Eight thousand.
Presbyterian has two.
For a HoverMED? No.
Yeah, you'll spring for a Pyxis, which nobody even wants...
...but not for a HoverMED.
You have no idea what's coming here.
These big fat kids, their big-ass parents...
We're not Presbyterian. We're not even Bellevue.
When's the last time you tried to lift one of these bastards?
I've lifted more fat bastards than you can count.
Well, I'm not breaking my back because people eat like shit, okay?
Whose baby is this?
A thousand nurses file injury claims every year.
I'm just saying.
Whose baby is this?
Very nice.
- Stab wounds to the chest. - Go find your own fun. We got this.
Actually, Jacks, I prefer he stayed.
Really?
Jackpot.
Can you close the door, please?
- Let's get him stabilized, up to the OR. - We need to check his airways.
- And we need a chest tube set up. - Zoey, come here.
Put your hand on here. Hold it firmly.
I can do that. Sorry.
I could do more important things here.
Okay, take your hand away.
You see that? It's important.
I need you to take over for me.
- You ready for the setup? - Yeah, let's do it.
Deep breath, Zoey.
I'll catch you if you faint.
No, thanks. I'm good.
Can I at least take the knife out?
No, Zoey.
You never remove a foreign object protruding from a patient.
The surgeon does that. Do you understand?
But it's so tempting.
- That's me. - Yes. Yes, I know.
I got something for you.
You texted me six times last night.
You don't answer the phone.
And you never come over, so this is it. This is all I got.
It takes me 10 minutes to write four words.
I'm using my thumbs here.
- That's not all you got. - No, it's not.
I got you a little something extra today, above the standard fare.
- Here you go. - Eddie, no.
Just take it.
Go on. Open it up.
Wow, this is... This is nice.
Happy anniversary, babe.
What? It's not March.
March?
March. Did I say March?
Jesus Christ, that's how tired I am. Jesus.
Yeah. It's been a year.
God, Eddie, I'm sorry. I'm not good at this stuff.
It's okay. I'm not, either. Who's good at it?
Just, you know, try it on.
Yeah. No, I...
I get it. I get it.
It's a stupid fucking bracelet from the guy you're banging. All right?
Too bad it's not made out of Vicodin.
Sorry?
You heard me.
"Eddie, my back hurts."
"Eddie, my tooth hurts."
Right?
Everything's on your terms, Jackie. I...
You know what? Forget it.
You know, Eddie, just keep your fucking bracelet, okay?
Keep your fucking pills. I don't need it.
- I don't need any of it. - Good. I don't, either.
- What's going on? - Patient's been here since last night.
Repeat sex offender. Got his hands on a couple of third-graders.
Passed out in custody, a fever or something.
His nuts were like:
Dr. Ekebwe ordered IV antibiotics and a Foley catheter...
...but now I can't get it out.
Will one of you get this thing out of my dick?
There is a little balloon at the end of the catheter.
Did you deflate it?
I tried, but I don't think it worked.
So no. No, no, I didn't.
Good.
Get this thing out of my dick.
Hey.
Mo-Mo, hold him down?
Okay, sir, you're gonna feel a little bit of pressure, okay?
- Fuck! - There you go.
- Outside now. - Oh, God!
He's a fucking pedophile, Mo-Mo.
No one's saying he didn't have it coming. I don't want you in trouble.
- Who are they gonna believe, him or me? - Not the point.
He's a patient in the hospital.
I had a fight with a man friend.
Guy friend.
A boyfriend?
Well, yes, I had a fight with my boyfriend.
That's just wrong.
- How did I not know you had a boyfriend? - Honey, you do all the talking.
I do, don't I?
You have a boyfriend. That's so good.
Are we talking EMT? A cop?
No, it's nobody from work. Just leave it alone.
So, what happened?
I didn't realize it was our anniversary. And that makes me a terrible person.
- Anniversary? - Yeah.
- It's been a year. - A year?
I had no clue.
Neither did I.
Bow. Bow.
Bow to me, you sinners and sluts.
Go ahead, eat.
Eat. Eat God's shit.
Cartier. Nice.
- From a morphine rep or something? - Nope.
You know what we should do? Atlantic City Thursday night.
I got a free room at the Trump Marina from one of my pharmaceutical guys.
- Wanna go? - Yeah, Thursday's not great.
Doesn't have to be Thursday. I was just throwing it out there.
It's a bracelet. Go ahead.
That's nice.
Unisex, right?
I couldn't tell you.
Yeah, I bought a Cartier watch when I graduated from med school.
I got robbed two days later. I was like, "Really?"
- Because it was brand-new. - Yeah, well, people suck.
Who's it for?
You know, it's been a pretty bad day...
...so I don't really feel like talking about Cartier or fucking bracelets...
...or fucking Trump Marina, if that's okay with you.
Yeah, sure.
What's up?
You know what, Coop?
You like this, you take it.
It's yours.
Don't get robbed.
Thanks.
Hey, where are those muffiny things you had?
- I gave yours to Coop. - You did not.
I did.
Oh, can you check up on steak-knife's people for me?
My lipstick's fading. Twelve-hour color, my ass.
Is he dead?
No, he's up in the ICU with a whole lot of stitches...
...but no, he's not dead.
This is the greatest guy.
I mean, this guy is like a pearl in the dirt, you know?
I know.
I never get the nice ones.
I'm like a creep magnet.
But I fell for him like that.
Like God said, "Okay, that's enough assholes, Lori."
And he sent me Zach.
Well, I see guys like him bounce back every day. I promise.
It was our first date.
He's not gonna call me again, is he?
For I am God.
And you are all assholes.
Whose baby is this?
My name is God.
Whose baby is this?
Zoey.
What?
God told her her hair is thinning.
He said I have a bald spot.
Zoey, look at me.
Stop going outside.
Daddy's gonna fix this.
Mo-Mo. Don't. God's mean.
Please don't hang up on me. Please.
Hello?
Come in.
- Have you got a minute? - I've got millions.
Right.
I fucked up.
You did. Those muffiny things were brilliant.
- Coop loved them. - Yes, and now he's got my bracelet.
Sorry?
Eddie gave Coop a bracelet that he got for me.
Oh, the plot thickens.
Now Eddie's buying you things. Nicely played.
Yes, well, apparently, we have been together a year.
That alone freaked me out.
I think I didn't handle it well.
Well, now Coop's flitting about in your jewelry.
Yes, pretty much.
Xanax. My life's a shambles.
That's a secret, by the way.
Wanna tell me what's going on?
That, my friend, would take a bucket of Scotch to get out of me.
Does that help?
On days like this, yes.
You want one?
I think I do, yeah. Is that bad?
I'm a bit of a lightweight, though.
Take half.
Here.
Bottoms up.
Now go and clean up your mess.
Enjoy the pleasures of your flesh before you die.
And such a way, you could die and fight.
What are you looking at?
It's 4:30 p.m.
I'm sorry.
Can we go back to where you said, "It's been a year"?
And then this time I'd like to say:
Wow, time flies when you're having fun.
Because we are having fun, aren't we?
Look, I...
I feel a little bit like an asshole, that's all.
Big fucking deal.
Because you remembered it's been a year and I didn't?
Eddie, time for me is how long it's been since I changed an IV.
Other than that, I'm pretty useless.
Yeah, well, useless is a little strong.
And for the record, it's not that I didn't like it.
It's just I didn't want to wear it at work.
Somehow Coop manages to pull it off.
Yeah, well, that's...
Whatever.
So you still want it?
Sure.
Put your hands up and give me all your jewelry.
Oh, no, dude. Come on.
Sorry, Coop.
How'd it go with God?
- This is not a woman's top. - Isn't God awful?
Hello.
Come on, people, this is somebody's baby.
Things like this stay out of the baby's mouth.
How did he get that? I have no idea how he got that.
Whose baby is this? It's cute.
All right, I'm calling Social Services.
Baby's going to be in my office till they get here.
Hey, Zach.
I'm just checking in. How you feeling?
- Well, the morphine helps. - Yeah.
That's why they call it morphine.
Your friend Lori's been here all day. She's pacing a hole in the floor.
Her husband stabbed me.
Her ex-husband.
And he's not the one you're dating.
Dangerous people in the world.
Well, you know, I don't think she is.
By association, though.
Anyway, she's out there worried sick.
No more married people.
No more people with problems.
I want someone with a clean slate, like a grad student.
Yeah. No, you don't.
She's a pretty girl.
Yeah.
She is.
And nice, so nice.
Well, maybe this was a test.
Maybe if you can move on from here, everything else will be a piece of cake.
You make a good point.
This here is a Cartier love bracelet.
I found it on the subway. It looks brand-new.
I bet she'd love it.
Maybe everything happens for a reason, right?
Hey, he's awake and he really wants to see you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hey, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Here.
Yes, you're good.
- Thank you. - Okay.
Jacks?
Okay.
Here's the thing.
Not an easy day...
...for either of us.
That's for sure.
And you're going home to a cozy something or other...
...with your husband and your children.
They're gonna light up when they see you.
I'm gonna be trying to remember my policy about tipping the hostess...
...when I pick up my dinner and go back to my room.
Do you wanna come over?
Or... Or not.
It's just an idea.
You could stay in Fiona's room. You know...
Actually, I'd prefer Grace's.
Oh, boy, a carriage.
You. Yes, you.
Shall burneth beneath the light.
He's like a homeless guy with an apartment.
Going all day with this shit.
Never underestimate the stamina of a psychotic episode.
And who have you fornicated with today, darling?
- Wouldn't you like to know? - See you tomorrow.
Good night, baldy.
And stop picking on my nurses.
All right? Pick on criminals.
Pick on white guys.
Fucking fantastic.
Who is your friend with the heels?
Now, that's a woman.
And what is she doing with an old whore like you?
Indeed.
All right, listen to me.
Put down the cat food and get back on your meds.
You're not doing anybody any good up there now.
All right? Do you hear me?
I apologize.
It's 7:23 p.m.
He's a fucking criminal. I had to say it.
It's her father. Stepfather.
No, Kevin's right, Jacks.
Total waste of plasma, that one.
My sister's gonna be destroyed.
What about you?
I'm getting plastered in Queens, am I not? Consider me already destroyed.
Rats. That came out wrong, didn't it?
I'm gonna head upstairs, ladies.
I'll be right up.
Bye.
Did I hurt his feelings?
Kevin? No.
This is 1010 WINS.
You give us 22 minutes, we'll give you the world.
WINS news time, 7:01...
You can pour now.
It's still going.
You are a tiny, cruel little creature.
I know.
Oh, what the hell is this? What are you trying to do, poison me?
It's hideous.
What did you do, bail it out of the gutter, darling?
We need some milk to dilute this catastrophe.
All right, what are you two up to?
She's trying to kill me with your antique coffee.
Good morning.
How'd you sleep?
As if sedated.
Nothing forces me to embrace my life like a night on polyblend sheets.
Grace, look at you. You look great.
Actually, your ensemble is missing something, Grace.
It is?
French braid.
Classic component of the Catholic-school uniform.
Luckily for you, I'm a master.
I guarantee you shall be the most glamorous girl...
...at the Immaculate Virgin today.
- Why do they call it a French braid? - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Because it's mysterious and alluring.
Where'd you learn how to do a French braid?
France.
Oh, Grace, darling, you look great.
You excited?
Honey, are you okay?
Daddy bought the wrong color bike shorts.
Honey, I... It's okay.
Nobody can see them. I promise.
God can see them.
Oh, honey.
He will know that you meant well, okay?
Knock, knock. Who's there?
It's me. I am God.
Oh, yeah.
Listen to me. Listen.
Good night, baldy.
Get a load of fatso.
Hey, you, wait for the light.
Go ahead, eat.
Stay away from that food cart.
Hummus is the work of the devil.
You are all blessed.
And you are all assholes.